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The Life of Ministry 87

in a week. It is not uncommon for new believers or socially inept old believers to
call a minister more than twenty times in a week.
Certainly, the situation sounds a little humorous, but the deeper issue is the
emotional strain the minister experiences. Such strain leaves the minister with
little energy for the spouse and children who wait at home. When calls and needs
fill the day at the office, they interfere with what the minister must accomplish
there. But when they intrude on the home, they are even more damaging. The
frustration spreads to the whole family, causing spouse and children to resent the
intrusion. Unfortunately, however, the ministry will always involve reaching out
to the troubled and keeping a balance in one’s personal and family life.

Everyone Has an Opinion about Everything I Do
A minister’s life is expected to be a model in every area. As such, his or her
marriage should be perfect and the spouse should demonstrate flawless living
by whatever standard the people choose. A minister’s spouse often feels overly
judged. This judgment may concern how she dresses, whom she talks to, what
ministries she chooses to be involved in, how she responds in every situation,
and what activities she chooses to attend. Typically, it is the women of the church
who perform the scrutiny, and many are not reluctant to share their findings with
her or with others. For the minister’s husband, it is typically other men who
watch most closely, but their list looks different. Since the wife is a leader in the
church, they wonder which one leads the home. This is a threat to the husband’s
authority and masculinity.

13 How have you and/or Living in the spotlight is stressful for any couple. Movie-star marriages seldom
your family experienced the achieve great intimacy because there is so little privacy. There is always a camera
spotlight factor of ministry? watching, so the individuals can rarely afford to let their hair down without the
whole world seeing. A similar stress plagues ministry marriages. Ministers are
sometimes viewed in almost unreal ways. One minister’s wife was told, “I guess
I’ve just never thought of you needing to clean your oven.” Apparently, the
individual assumed that angels do the dirty work around a minister’s house.
Though many idealize them, ministers and their spouses are real people. The
minister and family usually try to live up to the ideals, knowing reality has to
bring some conflict. But focusing on appearances can devastate the intimacy of
a relationship. A minister can find him- or herself being one person with church
people and someone very different at home. No marriage can endure such
incongruity for long.

You Should Not Meet with Her Alone
A final hazard that ministry can bring on a marriage is in the dependency
relationships many seek to build with their spiritual leaders. Such emotional
attachments can destroy both marriage and ministry.
A minister can be thrown into the role of savior as he or she strides into the
midst of someone’s problems with the long-awaited answer. For instance, a male
minister may demonstrate compassion that a woman wishes her husband would
show. His kind eyes and gentle spirit make him attractive to the hurting. Such a
situation can build emotional attachments that are even more devastating than
sexual improprieties. Often, though, a minister’s spouse will detect the potential
for this trouble before the minister is able to see it.
14 Interview an experienced
ministry couple, and ask In such circumstances, the minister may find a significant surge in his or her
them how they have own self-worth; therefore, success in such interventions can be exhilarating for
protected their relationship the minister. Indeed, there are enough days of problems and disappointments, so
from unhealthy intrusions.