Page 53 - BMIN191 Beginnning Internship

The Tasks of Ministry 53

This first phase is often marked by the hurting one’s difficulty seeing life in
this world without the deceased. Some say they keep expecting the deceased to
walk into the room. Such thoughts are not abnormal but are part of adjusting to
life again. It should be explained that these feelings are part of the grief journey
and do not indicate insanity.
Anger
The deepest and most misunderstood emotion associated with the grief
journey is anger. When grieving, an individual may feel anger for a number of
different reasons. Some may be angry at the deceased for leaving, while others
may feel anger toward the one they perceive as the cause of death, if death
came through an accident or tragic injury. And there are the expressions toward
God, who could have stopped the event. Anger that has no target ends up being
expressed toward God since no one else could have prevented the hurt and loss.
Anger is a necessary part of grief and should not be dismissed or avoided.
Unresolved anger will ultimately lead to bitterness and other destructive emotions,
some that even have physical consequences. Anger—even that which is unjustified—
must be expressed and dealt with, or deeper long-term problems will develop.
21 How does the Bible’s Dealing with this emotion requires patient understanding and thick skin.
admonition, “in your anger Individuals may express anger in hurtful ways. And while the minister should
do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26), steer the grieving away from hurting another, he or she should also facilitate
speak to this phase of grief?
an appropriate means of expressing the emotions. Hurting people hurt people.
Allowing the sufferers to discuss what they are feeling is the help to provide.
The same goes for anger expressed toward God. While we can count on God
to act justly, He is patient with us when we do not understand His ways. Again,
unexpressed anger will simply destroy other relationships. If the individual needs
to express anger toward God, the minister can guide that expression, and God can
ultimately heal the hurt.
Helping people through the anger stage starts with their expressing what they
feel. The minister must then assist them in developing a strategy for dealing
with the rage. Perhaps the grieving will need to talk, or he or she may feel better
by expressing feelings privately, in written form. Often unjustified anger is best
expressed without involving others.
The final part of handling anger is replacing the feelings of anger. Directing
the individual towards good memories of the deceased is the route to healing.
Remember, no one can replace feelings that have not been expressed. But once
they are expressed, they can be replaced with healthier thoughts.
Regret and Bargaining
Some of the most difficult feelings in the grief journey are regrets. Individuals
wish that their actions had been different, but now have no way of making things
right. If held onto, these emotionally paralyzing feelings can completely abort the
grief process.
Most regrets come from anger that turns to guilt. The individual holds him- or
herself to a completely unrealistic level of responsibility. Telling someone that such
regret is unrealistic is not enough by itself. The minister must offer replacement
thoughts. An example would be to replace regrets with good memories of what the
one grieving had done to demonstrate love to the deceased. Helping the grieving to
think on how the deceased felt will usually replace the regrets as well.
Bargaining is the way the sufferer tries to avoid pain. He or she attempts
to trade the emotion for something physically painful. Sometimes people will